I'm done. I give up. I can't hide anymore.
I know my homeschool educational records are shit. I know it's been a long time. I know both my parents and I made stupid mistakes. But I honestly never thought of all this as being "held back." Oh sure, maybe for other people, I would surmise. But not for me. I'm different! These things won't hold me back. I will find a super special way and make it in this world!
I'm getting older, my younger days are fading away. At age 26, it is now just hitting me in a wave. These decision have held me back. I have not made it. I cannot make it. I cannot do this by myself. I cannot make my way sweeping these issues under the rug. I don't know how to be an adult and I don't know how to live life normally. I don't know how I can forge my way independently in this world. I need help. And admitting all this fucking sucks.
I'm not sure what I will do.
I have been looking on homeschool alumni support sites and blogs (very few and far between) for some direction. I do have a high school diploma but I never compiled a transcript. Once upon a time, I was admitted to community college without a transcript but I had to take extra test (out-of-pocket money!) and was told I would need to take remedial classes (even more out-of-pocket money! Not covered by FAFSA! yay me!). I didn't even last a semester. Everything was overwhelming, over stimulating, over....everything.
I didn't know how to study, because I never had to study. I didn't know how to do homework, because I never had to do homework. I didn't know how to approach a professor for help, because I didn't need to ever do that. Some of those statements may seem odd as I *did* attend a private Christian school for many years too. But that experience was also laughable. We got A's for everything, even if we got things wrong. We didn't have to do entire subjects if we didn't have to. We never, ever had homework.....like ever.
Most homeschool alumni encourage each other to go to University. I tried, and I failed. I was ill-prepared. I was apathetic. I don't know how to get around that. I don't know how to make something out of my life. When I was a young child, someone in our church told our family that we were like dirty dogs, we will always be nothing, and we'll end up dying in the streets. Sometimes I think about that encounter and just think, "That guy was right. I'm nothing and I will always be nothing."
How am I suppose to be functional in the world if there is not one single person who wants to help? Or just doesn't know how to help someone like me?
But maybe I just need to take things one step at a time.
I'll start compiling a transcript. Then I want to brush up on my high school education, on my own time, with internet resources. After that, I'm not sure. But I'll figure something out.