Thursday, November 9, 2017

I Wave My White Flag

I'm done. I give up. I can't hide anymore.

I know my homeschool educational records are shit. I know it's been a long time. I know both my parents and I made stupid mistakes. But I honestly never thought of all this as being "held back." Oh sure, maybe for other people, I would surmise. But not for me. I'm different! These things won't hold me back. I will find a super special way and make it in this world!

I'm getting older, my younger days are fading away. At age 26, it is now just hitting me in a wave. These decision have held me back. I have not made it. I cannot make it. I cannot do this by myself. I cannot make my way sweeping these issues under the rug. I don't know how to be an adult and I don't know how to live life normally. I don't know how I can forge my way independently in this world. I need help. And admitting all this fucking sucks. 

I'm not sure what I will do. 

I have been looking on homeschool alumni support sites and blogs (very few and far between) for some direction. I do have a high school diploma but I never compiled a transcript. Once upon a time, I was admitted to community college without a transcript but I had to take extra test (out-of-pocket money!) and was told I would need to take remedial classes (even more out-of-pocket money! Not covered by FAFSA! yay me!). I didn't even last a semester. Everything was overwhelming, over stimulating, over....everything. 

I didn't know how to study, because I never had to study. I didn't know how to do homework, because I never had to do homework. I didn't know how to approach a professor for help, because I didn't need to ever do that. Some of those statements may seem odd as I *did* attend a private Christian school for many years too. But that experience was also laughable. We got A's for everything, even if we got things wrong. We didn't have to do entire subjects if we didn't have to. We never, ever had ever. 

Most homeschool alumni encourage each other to go to University. I tried, and I failed. I was ill-prepared. I was apathetic. I don't know how to get around that. I don't know how to make something out of my life. When I was a young child, someone in our church told our family that we were like dirty dogs, we will always be nothing, and we'll end up dying in the streets. Sometimes I think about that encounter and just think, "That guy was right. I'm nothing and I will always be nothing."

How am I suppose to be functional in the world if there is not one single person who wants to help? Or just doesn't know how to help someone like me?

But maybe I just need to take things one step at a time. 

I'll start compiling a transcript. Then I want to brush up on my high school education, on my own time, with internet resources. After that, I'm not sure. But I'll figure something out.

Sunday, October 15, 2017


One of my resolutions this year was to have a 75% vegan diet (how flexitarian of me...). For a while, I figured I would scrap that. But recently, Blitz and I have been getting back on the boat. We definitely don't want to be total vegans again, but we want to be healthier in general (more fruits/veggies, avoiding red meats as much as possible, cutting down ooon super processed and sugary desserts, etc). We also want to have more energy in our days and lose weigh, so our focus is on those 3 markers for now. 

We are off to a good start. Our breakfasts pretty much consist of only fruit. Once or twice a week, we will have eggs and toast. We still need much improvement on our lunches and dinner. Hey, small progress is progress nonetheless.

Trying, trying, always trying.....

Monday, October 9, 2017

Wanting To Live The Dream

“Mark Rothko, Untitled, Acrylic on paper mounted on canvas, 189,9x122 cm

I want to wake up in the morning, have some snuggles, 
cobble together a good meal, make some good coffee, and enjoy it. 

I want to work and do something that I don't feel is a complete waste of time. 

I want to come home - paint, soak, more snuggles, drink wine, make a good meal from happy and stress free. 

I'm not aching for a high powered career or tons of attention or boatloads of money.

I'm reaching towards happiness. 

Thursday, October 5, 2017

Work, Work, Work

I no longer have any jobs. 
As per my birthday promise to myself, I'm doing anything I want to this year. This is clearly possible due to the support of my wonderful boyfriend, Blitz and also my parents. I realize how lucky and "spoiled" of a humanoid I am. 

This does not mean I won't work at all or never want a job. This year is going to be about really taking my time to find a job that meshes well with my character. In the past, I tended to freak out as I dwindled down on money and accept a random job in desperation. This would only repeat the cycle of 1) Hate job; 2) Become super grumpy at home; 3) Poor work performance; 4) asking for less hours; 5) Immediately quitting in a fit of mental exhaustion entirely; 6) Desperately look for work again; 7) Rinse and repeat.

I feel like if anything, those years were such a waste in the specific department of my life. And if anything, taking a year to sow down and not be desperate will be really productive for my life path and future jobs. 

As of now, I'm truly believing I should try to stick to seasonal jobs. I get very bored so easily, I get jaded with every management team, I can never last long at a job - a true job hopper, if there ever was one. Working seasonally twice a year is what I think I'll end up doing. But I am open to anything that will bring out my loyalty and good nature. 

I don't think I am destined for full-time work, or constant year-round work. Some of us aren't. I'm lucky to have people supporting me but I would live in a box too if it meant I could do work that I didn't despise. Is that so wrong?

Monday, October 2, 2017

Oz Park

My favorite park when I was little was Oz Park. We went there a lot when we lived in Chicago. I loved that place. 

Image result for oz park chicago

Image result for oz park chicago

Image result for oz park chicago

Image result for oz park chicago

Image result for oz park chicago